While excavating the narrative for The Conservatory of Thorns, I often find fragments that don’t belong in the main narrative thread. They are the detritus of the world—scraps of paper, forgotten warnings, bureaucratic nightmares.
I thought I would share one of them with you today.
This appears to be a standard-issue orientation memo given to new recruits upon their first entry into the primary training arena, known colloquially as “The Hothouse.” It perfectly encapsulates the Conservatory’s charming approach to student safety: acknowledge the danger, then blame the student if they succumb to it.
[DOCUMENT BEGINS]
TO: Incoming Recruits, Class Cycle 4 FROM: Department of Groundskeeping & Bio-Containment SUBJECT: Mandatory Protocols for Hothouse Sector A
Welcome to the Hothouse. This dome maintains a consistent temperature of 110°F (43°C) and 95% humidity to facilitate the accelerated growth of Sector A flora.
To ensure your continued survival during training exercises, adhere to the following protocols. Deviations will result in disciplinary action or death.
1. HYDRATION PROTOCOLS Do not consume water from the overhead misting system or ground-level irrigation pools. The water is treated with an experimental nitrate-accelerant that is highly toxic to human renal systems. If you are thirsty, you should have brought your canteen.
2. THE “BLEEDING HEART” VINE (Sector A, North Wall) This specimen is currently in a dormant cycle. However, it is highly reactive to rapid spikes in mammalian adrenaline. If you find yourself near the North Wall, remain calm. Panic will trigger a predation response.
If the vine begins to move, do not run. Stand perfectly still and lower your heart rate. If you cannot lower your heart rate, you are already dead.
3. INJURY REPORTING Do not report thorn scratches, minor lacerations, or first-degree steam burns to the infirmary. Medical resources are reserved for arterial damage and amputation risks.
If you are bleeding, apply pressure and continue the drill. You are here to learn how to endure, not how to complain.
End of memorandum.
[DOCUMENT ENDS]
Author’s note: I think my favorite part is rule #2. “Just don’t panic while a carnivorous plant hunts you.” Simple advice, really.
— S.B.
